The Martini Myth!

Drinking a martini makes you classy! And also, it is extremely difficult to mix a great martini.

Okay. Maybe. But maybe it makes you look like a bit of an alcoholic. And maybe it is super easy to make a good martini so you shouldn't be intimidated. After all, it's mostly straight liquor and there are all of two ingredients. Seriously. How hard can it be?

Traditionally, a martini is made with about 2 and a half ounces of top-shelf gin and a half ounce of dry vermouth. In my personal experience, when most people order a martini they really want a vodka martini; the bartender needs to ask if the guest prefers gin or vodka, and which brand.

Ready to know all and impress your friends with some killer martini-making skills? Of course you are.

You will need

2 1/2 oz Gin or vodka

1/2 oz Dry vermouth

Shaker

Strainer

Chilled martini glass*

Optional: Lemon twist or green olive for garnish

Directions

1. Fill shaker 1/4 full with ice.

2. Add gin or vodka and dry vermouth.

3. Shake! Until condensation forms on the outside of the shaker.

4. Strain into chilled martini glass.

5. Add optional garnish and serve to your friends who will tell you that you are the best bartender ever.

Terminology

(I guess this is the part where it gets a little tricky...but it's still nothing that you can't handle. I believe in you. Don't let me down!)

Up? That just means strained into a chilled cocktail glass with no ice.

On the rocks would be in a glass with ice, and an old-fashioned glass would be a much better glassware choice in this case.

Dry or extra dry means little to no vermouth. This is technically no longer a martini, but shh! I won't tell if you won't.

If someone wants their martini dirty, they want a little olive juice added to the drink. When I say olive juice, I am talking about the brine that green olives hang out in. To each their own.

In and out means leave the vermouth out of the shaker. Instead, roll some vermouth around the inside of the chilled glass and dump it out. Shake and strain as usual.

A Gibson is a martini that uses cocktail onions as a garnish.

Shaken vs. Stirred

The issue at hand is clarity. Some people think that shaking instead of stirring alters the flavor, but really all it does it fog up the drink for a minute because of all that vigorous action. It'll settle to clear in a moment, I promise. Which method you choose really comes down to personal preference. I prefer shaking. The most important function of either approach is diluting the liquor just a little bit. Some of the ice is supposed to melt, mellowing out the drink.

Okay, okay. You don't look like an alcoholic. You look timeless and classy. But I maintain my position that martinis are easy to make. Try it yourself and see!

One last thing...I won't say that there is no wrong way to make a martini. I will say that there is no 100% right way, and what one person loves another person hates. Hence that elusive "perfect martini." Want another perspective?

(*In all reality, this is called a cocktail glass. A martini is a drink, not a glass. I'm just sayin'.)

Happy Hour or Crappy Hour?

Buyers beware!

Yes, I know they told you that drinks are two-for-one, and that the glass sitting in front of you is a double as a result. Or that all top shelf drinks are free for ladies. And maybe they told you the truth. I'd really like to believe that most people are honest.

The problem is that some of them aren't.

Just so you know, 1 and 3/4 ounces of liquor is not a double; a standard liquor pour is 1 and 1/2 ounces, and a double should be twice that. Some bars tend to short pour their liquor when selling doubles, so ask for the two drinks separately. You are more likely to get your money's worth.

And that top shelf liquor, free until midnight? Let me just say that I have personally seen managers pour well vodka into empty Grey Goose bottles (although not at my current job). I've also seen a customer rightfully complain about his poor quality vodka and be thrown out as a result.

Really, it is an ugly reflection of a greedy society. There is no way to prove whether you are being ripped off or not, and many individuals with low morals will take advantage of that to improve their bottom line. It is one of the dark sides of human nature, and the only thing you can do is be aware of what is going on around you.

And ask for a bottled beer instead; you can guarantee that no one at the bar has tampered with it, and two really means two.

I did mention bar flair, didn't I?

And no, I'm not talking about 37 pieces of flair on a Chotchkie's uniform. (Office Space. I had to.) I'm talking about those high flying bottle tosses that make bartenders look SO BADASS. Don't even try to tell me it doesn't. I won't listen.

Instead, watch this guy's tutorial videos and start practicing some sweet moves yourself. You have to start with basics, so it might not seem that sweet. But don't worry, you'll get there.

If you are entirely dedicated to developing this skill, think about picking up some practice flair bottles. You can't break them, which is a good thing.

Alcohol is a drug.

True statement.

Alcohol is a poison.
False statement.

In fact...alcohol can save the lives of poison victims. In very rare, strange instances, of course.

In general, practice moderation for happy, healthy drinking.

That drink is so last season.

Who knew that drinks could be trendy? Cocktails can blow up overnight just like those calf-length leggings and funny looking bubble dresses did last year. Those things were in style, right?

I know a little bit more about drinks than I do about fashion, so I will get to the point; last year, mojitos came out of nowhere (well, Cuba originally), and have been the trend-tastic drink of choice ever since, with pomegranate-flavored cocktails a close second. Of course, some really smart folks figured out that you could make a pomegranate-flavored mojito and then wear your sunglasses inside for the ultimate in sexy. Bringing it back.

Your basic mojito involves bruising some mint leaves in a mixture of sugar and lime juice to release the minty freshness, then adding ice and rum to complete the concoction. Garnish with a mint sprig if you are a fan of final touches.

The Food Network has a recipe from Emeril Live for a vanilla sugar pomegranate mojito that sounds pretty tasty.

Tipping your bartender is fun!

And necessary, as I am only paid $3.13 an hour. This is a fact. As a bartender, I am sorry that it falls on you, the customer, to decide whether I will be able to pay my monthly bills or not. Some corporate bar owner is laughing all the way to the bank over how much he saves on labor costs. I would prefer to be paid a decent wage for my work, but since this is not the case and my boss has instead passed the buck on to you, it is my hope that you will pass that buck (the dollar bill kind) right over to me.

Bar Tipping Etiquette
First, few of my own notes. Tipping heavy for the first round usually guarantees speedy, attentive service throughout the night. Waiting until the end of the night to tip might get you the opposite. Waving money in my face and yelling at me doesn't get you faster service; wait your turn. Staying consistent with one drink will get you faster service because I already know what you want. One dollar for every drink makes me happy, but I'm okay with less if I am just cracking open your beer as opposed to making you a mojito. Campers should pay rent; meaning, if you take up a barstool for five hours and order a few two-dollar happy hours drinks, you should leave a better tip for squatting on the real-estate.

There are numerous places on the web to find out how to tip your bartender, but what I deem most interesting are the comments left by other people. It's very easy to tell who has never worked a service industry job with tip-based pay. I can understand those who don't want to tip for what they consider bad service, but remember this: if you stiff me on a ten dollar drink, I spend thirty cents to wait on you. And I am sorry that I didn't respond to your snapping quick enough.

The difference between a lager and an ale

"So, what ales do you have on draft?"

The first time this question was posed to me, I blubbered like an idiot; I had just started bartending and I didn't even know what an ale was. Well, I knew it was a type of beer, but what makes a beer an ale or a lager...that I did not know. I looked it up, and now I know. And you can too! A quick excerpt:

Ales include everything with ale in the name (pale ale, amber ale, etc.), porters, stouts, Belgian specialty beers, wheat beers and many German specialty beers. They generally have a more robust taste, are more complex and are best consumed cool (50F or a bit warmer) rather than cold.

Lagers include pilseners, bocks and dopplebocks, Maerzens/Oktoberfests, Dortmunders and a few other styles found mostly in Germany. They are best consumed at a cooler temperature than lagers, although anything served at less than 38F will lose most of its flavor.